Can You Comfort a Dog? Compassion vs. Sympathy
How to support a scared dog?
Noisy motorcycles, people leaning over, loud fireworks, unfamiliar dogs, skateboarders, and folks wearing helmets—yes, the list of things that might scare a dog can be quite long. But how can you provide comfort to a frightened dog? Is it alright to feel sorry for a dog, or might that make the fear worse?
The difference between pity and compassion can be razor-thin but crucial in providing the right support for a dog in an uncomfortable situation.
The myth of ignoring scared dogs
Imagine you're out walking your dog, a scooter zooms past too closely, and your dog gets scared. Naturally, you feel sorry for your dog and want to support and help.
An acquaintance's words echo in your ears: "Never feel sorry for a scared dog, it worsens the fear." So, you act unfazed and ignore your dog's fear. But it doesn't feel right. Your gut feeling rebels. That's how it feels when you go against your heart's inner voice. Feeling sorry for a dog can feel taboo. But what's the real story?
The negative effects of compassion on dogs
First and foremost, let's distinguish between pity and compassion. Pity involves sharing someone's suffering as suffering is evoked in oneself. Showering a dog with actions rooted in pity can lead to the dog feeling more insecure and the sense of unease increasing. It's essential not to let our own feelings worsen the situation for the dog.
Compassion: understanding and supporting the dog properly
Compassion, on the other hand, involves understanding and not belittling the dog's fear. It's about empathizing with the dog and providing support and assistance. By showing compassion, we can help our dog manage its fear reaction in a constructive way. Understanding the difference between pity and compassion is vital to providing the right support for your dog.
We should act out of compassion, which means feeling for your dog, supporting, and assisting. It's not the same as pity.
Creating safety through compassion
Acting with compassion would involve calmly approaching your frightened dog. Sitting close and allowing the dog to come near, then, in a confident tone, saying "I've got you" while gently stroking the dog's body.
The feeling of "I see you, I understand, and I'm here" will impact and strengthen your dog. The dog's anxiety is acknowledged because it's genuine. Then, a sense of security is conveyed. Your tone, energy, actions, and body language signal that you'll get through this together.
Be a safe SOS operator for your dog
Imagine you've driven off the road and crashed your car. You're trapped in the car, feel unharmed but shocked and scared. You grab your phone and dial the emergency number. Who do you want to answer your call?
Winnie the Pooh's Piglet? "Oh dear, oh dear, oh deaaar," stuttering, you hear him stumbling around and shaking, just as scared as you are.
Or a composed, secure operator saying, "Emergency services are on their way, we'll handle this, I'll stay on the line with you until they arrive."
Neither of them belittles your fear, but one reassures you, and it's definitely not Piglet. You might start crying while talking to the emergency operator, going from shocked to scared to secure enough to release your emotions. Someone else has taken over, and you can collapse.
In a conversation with Piglet, you'll either become panicked or try to calm him down as he seems worse off than you. Don't be Piglet with your dog; be an emergency operator.
The role of self-awareness in providing compassion
Offering compassion requires self-insight and an understanding of how your own feelings affect you and your dog. Support your dog by being calm, secure, and present without ignoring or acting coldly.
Reflect on when you feel pity and compassion. Then, consider how you act depending on the emotion. Shining a spotlight on your emotional life, realizing how you react depending on what you feel, is helpful, especially if you have a fearful dog in need of support.
Tips to support rescued dogs
- Don't pity an insecure or fearful dog; provide secure compassion instead.
- Not pitying is not the same as ignoring or acting coldly.
- It's okay to be close to a fearful dog.
- You can be supportive without worsening the fear.
Scared dogs don't become braver from pity; it's an old myth we're happy to debunk. So, you can and should support your dog if she/he is scared, but preferably without resembling Piglet too much.
For more information on how dogs experience emotions, read Dogs' emotional lives - not unlike ours. If you are interested in how to support a scared or angry dog, please see The power of protection: how to best support a scared or angry dog. In addition, it might be worth looking at How to deal with your frightened dog - thoughts on bribing, encouraging or supporting for more insights on this topic. If you want to know more about stress and dogs, check out Stress in dogs: considerations and solutions and Fear of fireworks in dogs - emergency and long-term solutions.
Written by: Caroline Alupo
Caroline Alupo is Petli's co-founder. She has a master's degree in ethology and is also a trained dog trainer and dog psychologist. She has 19 years of experience as a professional dog trainer. Read more about Caroline here.
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