Shy Dogs – How to Respect Their Boundaries
They turn their noses away from outstretched hands, walk away when the doorbell rings, do not want to greet. Neither people nor other dogs are allowed near them. And that can be okay. Not all dogs are social. Some are happiest with their family, the safe pack. This does not necessarily mean that something is wrong. It can be a dog's personal need. Having their privacy and physical space respected is more important for some dogs than for others.
Different social behaviors of dogs
Dogs are a lot like us. Some are more outgoing, social, like to be in the spotlight, have lots of friends and love parties and mingling. Others are happier on their own, in solitude or in the company of close friends. You can read more about this in the article Dogs' social needs. Dogs can be all the same. It may be breed-related; some breeds are not very social, they may have privacy or be bred to keep others away. It can also be a personality trait; some dogs are shy, more serious or introverted. However, what we see as antisocial can also be the effect of a lack of socialization that led to insecurity or bad experiences that created fears. If this is the case, the solution is not always to socialize more.
Respecting shy dogs' social boundaries
A demand or expectation to socialize, sit close and be social can increase discomfort and the need for distance. A defensive dog can be made more offensive by socialization that goes over the top of the dog's emotional life. It takes a respectful finesse to get a withdrawn dog to want to expand its social sphere. If you have a dog that doesn't want to socialize, start by evaluating whether the need is yours or your dog's.
Whose social needs are at stake?
If your dog has little interest in socializing with outsiders, you may simply have to accept it. It can be a personal process, a grieving process if the idea of having a dog was to spend a lot of time with others together with your dog. We two-legged people may want our dogs to be available to everyone - cuddling with the neighbors and playing with other dogs, enjoying life. But you only enjoy life if you get to do what makes you feel good. Pushing them into socializing that they would rather not do has the opposite effect.
Trust is needed for proximity
Some dogs want to cuddle, hug and be petted by anyone. For others, it is most enjoyable with mommy and daddy, but maybe not little mommy. From the perspective of many dogs, playing and cuddling is done with pack members and close friends. It may require trust, confidence and a good relationship before anyone dares to be let close.
Socializing without physical contact
Some dogs enjoy playing rough, tumbling around in a pile of conspecifics, racing and playing tug-of-war, wrestling and riding close. Other dogs prefer to socialize by walking in silence, together but not at each other. Sitting on the same stairs but not close. Scouting in the same direction without dividing what is seen. It is also socializing. It can be quite intimate and sufficient for those without major proximity needs.
Understanding shy, unsocial and antisocial dogs
There is a difference between being scared, shy, unsocial and antisocial. A fearful dog has experiences that have stuck, and the desire for distance is rooted in fears. A shy dog may be insecure; self-esteem and confidence may need to be worked on before socialization with nice dogs and people can have an effect. An unsocial dog may naturally want to be left alone and accepted as he is. An antisocial dog, on the other hand, often lacks judgment in social situations and in their consideration for other people or dogs. They may have difficulty with social norms and rules and training may not be helpful. You can read more about dealing with fearful dogs in our article How to deal with your fearful dog - considerations for bribing, encouraging or supporting. These dogs are usually reactive and often get into fights with other dogs and even people who can't read them. An antisocial dog may also need to be respected and accepted just as they are, although training can help to some extent.
Dogs and preference for breed mates
Don't confuse an antisocial dog with a dog that prefers to socialize with its breed, or a dog that prefers to socialize with people who are good at dog language. Some dogs prefer like-minded people. Individuals of the same breed may have similar play styles, similar integrity, sharpness or softness. There may therefore be a preference; there are natural preferences and understandings. It is understandable that socializing will be easier then. The same applies to dogs, who are happiest with people who can interpret and make themselves understood in dog language, people who understand the customs and norms of dogs and treat dogs respectfully. The preference for these people is also quite understandable. Your dog may not be antisocial, just a good judge of character who chooses his friends well.
Socializing shy dogs at the right pace
If you want to increase your dog's social skills and friendships, try to match your dog with people and other dogs who understand your dog's needs and can communicate that understanding. Those who take it easy and give your dog time to take the socialization at their own pace are good candidates. Your dog should be allowed to sniff without being petted or played with. Your dog may need to be told when to look away, lean away or walk away. If the other dog or human is not listening, you need to step in and help your four-legged friend to have the right experience; to be left alone if they wish. Your dog may need to observe his friends and map out their intentions from a distance, to build trust over time. Let it take time. Sometimes trust takes time.
Accept your dog's social preferences
If you have an unsocial dog with no fears that contradict an inner social need, let your dog be just as he is. Socializing without physical interaction is also socializing. Let the socializing happen on your dog's terms and let go of your idea of how it should be done. There is love in it.
Exclude other causes of "shyness"
Before labeling your dog as antisocial, rule out pain or unprocessed emotions from past negative experiences as the cause. There's a difference between choosing solitude because it feels good and not daring to be together because it scares. One dog needs respect, the other needs behavioral therapy.
Written by: Caroline Alupo
Caroline Alupo is Petli's co-founder. She has a master's degree in ethology and is also a trained dog trainer and dog psychologist. She has 19 years of experience as a professional dog trainer. Read more about Caroline here.
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